the funeral i didn't attend

I didn't go to a funeral yesterday. A funeral I really wanted to attend as a show of support. My lack of attendance feels selfish, because it is. 

Almost two months ago I attended my first funeral since my mom died. I didn't think twice about it. I walked in the church doors and then I lost my shit. And even though losing your shit at a funeral is a lot different that losing your shit at Whole Foods, I prefer the anonymity of the Whole Foods experience. Here are some things...

1. While I love the expression "lose my shit" I hate to ever actually lose my shit unexpectedly. I can lose my shit at home where it is pretty easy to eventually find my shit and get on with things. When I lose my shit in public I sometimes have to go all the way back home to find it again. If you ever lose your shit, here's a tip: sometimes mine is hiding in the bottom of a glass of wine.

2. Pity looks. I can't. I get it, it doesn't offend me, I just do not like to be the recipient of the pity look. You know the look. It's a half frown half smile with sad eyes. Even though I USE the pity look, I do not want to receive the pity look.

3. Someone else's funeral does not need to be about me. Seriously. It seems kind of obvious. Maybe you think "it's a funeral, lots of people will be crying" and that's fair, but what if you get that heaving can't breathe, must walk around, get me out of this place cry. Do I want to be the person getting up in the middle of a eulogy and walking out of the church? In high heels? going clank clank clank clank clank and sobbing the entire way? Spoiler: I DO NOT. 

 Kidding aside, this funeral would have been heart wrenching. A fellow mother at my children's preschool was diagnosed with cancer a year ago. She is a year younger than I am and now she is dead. Her children are 2, 4, 6 and 7. Her life ended right when it was truly beginning. If I am going to baby step back into funerals, this funeral would have been more of a flying leap into a bottomless pit. I can hardly stop thinking about this sweet family as it is. 

More to come.