only in dreams

I have been having dreams about my mom since the second night after she died. The night that she died I remember wondering how I was going to sleep. We got home from the hospital around 3:30am. My kids were in bed, my mother in law was at my house. My husband stayed up and had a drink with my father, who slept at our house. I fell right to sleep, waking up at 6am to start packing for my parent's house and to figure out how to tell my kids that their grandmother had died. I didn't dream at all that night. 

The next day when we reached my parent's home I had been cleaning out a purse and found an old check that had been remotely deposited. I set it out on the night stand so I would remember to shred it. That night I dreamed that my mom was giving me all kinds of grief about having held on to this check for so long without depositing it. I had to go into a lengthy explanation about remote banking, what it is and how I just take a picture of the check and also, remote banking doesn't mean the internet is going to steal my bank account, and on. 

A few days later I had the first of what would become my reoccurring mother dream. They all happen in real time, but with different circumstances. The gist is that I am just going about my day to day life and suddenly my mom has come back. She has a different excuse for her absence each time, but she appears, even though we are all perfectly aware that she has died. In one dream she told me she left because she just needed a break from everyone calling her all of the time. In another I told her she was going to be so weirded out when she saw her urn with her own ashes in it. Real deep stuff. They were sometimes funny, rarely sad, and I enjoyed them like little visits from heaven. 

In late January we had an estate sale. My mother had a house full of things she dearly loved and it was to our great regret that we were unable to keep everything. I had been going through every drawer, every cabinet, every everything. I just couldn't do it anymore. So I called in estate sale professionals who go through everything for you. Then they hosted the sale and the house was emptied.

Now when I have my reoccurring dream I feel an immense sense of guilt. My mom comes back, again, in real time, and I basically try to explain and justify to her why all of her things are gone. I've started to hate this dream. It now makes me feel like I have failed. Likely my own subconscious thoughts. In an ideal situation I wanted to lay my hands on every item being taken from the house. I didn't realize at the time that because I am only one person with my own life, that was not going to be possible. It was time to accept that and let go of my need to be a human filter for every item in the house. If something fell through the cracks then it just wasn't meant to be and hopefully I would never realize it.  I really had myself convinced that I had let it go. And then these fucking dreams. Over and over again, draining me emotionally. When I consciously acknowledged that the dream that I once loved had turned into a dream that was causing me stress and anxiety, the dream stopped. So in the middle of the night, if I'm up, it leaves me wondering if I would rather have the bad version of the dream and get to see my mom or not have the dream at all. 

More to come.

"Only in dreams
We see what it means
Reach out our hands
Hold on to hers
But when we wake
It's all been erased
And so it seems
Only in dreams"

- Rivers Cuomo