the art of not falling asleep

There are a lot of different ways to be bad at sleeping. My particular favorite is to not be very good at falling asleep. There have been times when I can walk into my bedroom and get in bed and go to sleep. Clearly that is what I do at some point every night or we would be discussing insomnia and I would be living life as an angry unproductive zombie with a very short supply of parental patience. Sometimes I am that either way. Fun times for friends and family.  

A magical night for me happens like this: My kids are asleep, I feel very tired, I go to bed and fall asleep. Maybe this happens once every two months. The more likely scenario: I feel tired, I go to brush teeth, wash my face, etc. and those actions wake me back up so that when I get into bed I am no longer tired. Then I wonder... what should I make for dinner this week? What is on sale at Whole Foods? Maybe HEB has started carrying organic lunch meat again... I'll have to go to both stores. What's that lunch meat ingredient you aren't supposed to eat? I'll look it up on my phone. Nitrates... or nitrites? or both? Weird. I need to drink more water. I wonder how I could remember to do that. I'll ask doctor google. Wait, I'm kind of tired again, I'll try and sleep. *ENTER GIANT HUSBAND SNORE SOUND EFFECT HERE* followed by an internal murderous rage. I wonder what the most effective ways to stop snoring are? Or maybe what spouses of people who snore do? I wonder if anyone has ever killed someone over snoring. I think I'll google that....

Ever evolving thoughts are actually one of my super powers. Since my mom died, those thoughts seem to turn depressing kind of fast. When I'm having a mediocre or worse day, I try to not have to fall asleep. What does this involve? Some people call it distraction or escapism. I guess I'm ready to acknowledge that escapism is what I am doing. I read until I am too exhausted to  stay awake, put the book down, turn the light off and sleep. I make lists and plans and plan on future lists to make until I am too tired to think and then I sleep. I do crossword puzzles and Sudoku until my brain can't remember what number I am looking at. I don't count sheep. I can't get to 40 without being distracted by something and then it's back to the evolution of thought. It's called attention deficit disorder. Maybe. I am really not qualified enough to blame my ADD for my sleep issues. But I'll do it anyway because it's so on trend. 

You know what doesn't help you sleep? Staying up for half an hour listening to the same three five second long old voicemails from your dead mom in succession. And then again. 


3/30/16 at 9:30am
"Hey Beck. Sorry I missed your call babe. I was outside. Give me a buzz. Bye bye."

4/5/16 at 2:49pm
"Hey Beck, just checking in. It's about ten til three."

4/9/16 at 11:37am
"Hey Beck. Returning your call. Give me a buzz. Bye bye"


More to come.